Blog paper 1
a April 19, 2022
Dear Mr. President,
The recent events at the Notre Dame Cathedral have had a massive impact on our society. A piece of our world's history has just been taken out of the world. The beautiful building that was used for over 800 years to host events and bring people together. I still remember that horrific day. Just minutes after it started I saw the broadcast pop up and watched the cathedral fall to pieces. It is nice to see so many people care about our planet’s history and tons of money being donated to rebuilding this important place.
However, I feel as if this large catastrophe has overshadowed an even larger issue on our planet. Our earth’s lungs have been injured and they continue to set a blaze. Before the tragic catastrophe social media and people everywhere were focusing their efforts on the Amazon Rainforest but after the cathedral incident efforts have shifted. It is not an argument that the rainforest is a very special part of our earth. With over 450 indigenous tribes calling it home and accounting for twenty percent of the earth's oxygen production. We the people are asking for you to donate the extra donations to help keep the Amazon alive.
Sincerely,
Joe
b Starting off, the prompt asked me to write a letter which affects the format of my paper by first causing me to start with the date. After this I started my text with “Dear Mr. President” since it is formal. Along with being socially appropriate it is appropriate to the format of a letter. Another change in my formatting was having multiple paragraphs. I used these in order to organize my information and also to space out my information. Lastly, I finished my letter off with “Sincerely”. This is appropriate because I am sending this to the head of the country and other closings such as “Love” would not be appropriate due to our relationship. I chose to make the letter persuasive since the prompt did not mention what type of letter. This gives the letter a purpose which is to persuade the president into donating the extra donations to the Rainforest in order to save the Amazon
The audience given to me was the President of France which affects the way my paper is structured. Since he is the president of the country I decided to start off with the events at the cathedral and how important it is to our society. This allows me to relate to the audience since the situation is very close to him. I then mentioned the importance of the Amazon before asking him to donate
The words I chose to use affect my letter in many ways. For example, I chose to lightly exaggerate the situation by being dramatic and speaking on how the building “brought people together”. This adds pathos to my paper and affects the emotions of the reader. This could also be a way to relate to the audience since I speak very broadly with the word “people” Another example of pathos is the use of the word “catastrophe” in order to describe the fires. This reminds people of how bad the events that happened were and also can make people feel emotional. I had also incorporated logos in my letter which shows the numbers and statistics. I mentioned the “over 450 indigenous tribes' ' and also how the forest provides “twenty percent” of the earth's oxygen. These all help in order to persuade the president to help the rainforest with the extra donations from the events at the Notre Dame Cathedral.
Question a)
ReplyDeleteFirstly, you did a very good job including the date, as well as the introduction and ending to your letter.
I also really like the way you bring up the Notre-Dame events and how you saw it ‘just minutes after’. I believe that this is just what the question was looking for, and you did a great job following through with your response.
You make the letter very personal as well, and this adds to your understanding of the characteristic features the question was looking for.
You also include some facts, adding ‘over 450 indigenous tribes’ to make your points stronger to the president.
Overall, your letter was very well written. You show a detailed understanding of the text when referencing the meaning, context, asd audience. You also make an effective reference to characteristic features. Therefore, I will be giving you 4 marks for your AO1 score.
For AO2, I will be giving you 3 marks as you had clear expression and relevant content to the audience and purpose. Your ideas were also developed clearly.
Your overall score for part a is 7 marks; very good job.
Question b)
To start off, I think that your analysis was lacking greatly. In your first paragraph, you really only talk about the format of your letter; there is nothing mentioned about the news report. Therefore, you show no comparison in format at all. It is also a summary of your response and why you formed it the way you did.
Again, in your second paragraph, you are only discussing the audience for your response. You need to be comparing your response to the text in every aspect. You cannot only talk about why you did what you did.
While you do a good job analyzing your response, there is no comparison at all. Therefore, I will only be able to give you 1 mark for both AO1 and AO3, with a final score of 2 for question b.
Hi Joe!
ReplyDeleteI feel that you understood the report and what you had to accomplish, but there were still a few things not considered. This includes the five W’s. In your first paragraph you only considered “the recent events at the Notre Dame Cathedral”. To accomplish the 5 W’s you need to state the conflict involving the Amazon rainforest. The purpose of the letter is not to tell a story, as it is a waste of words. This includes you stating, “I saw the broadcast pop up.” You should not refer to your personal background. Your expression additionally involves frequent errors that impede on your communication. This includes you stating, “Before the tragic catastrophe social media and people everywhere were focusing their efforts on the Amazon Rainforest but after the cathedral incident efforts have shifted.” This entire sentence is not true. The Amazon rainforest never got the attention. You final end your letter with a ‘call to action’, but you use “we”, when you should be staying in the first person.
Part a… AO1: 2/5
AO2: 2/5
I wish that I could do a closer analysis of your part B but it asks you to “compare your letter with the news report”, and you stated no comparisons. This means that you were completely off topic in your response, and you weren’t able to develop your ideas correctly.
Part b… AO1: 1/5
AO3: 1/5
Joe,
ReplyDelete(a) For AO1, I would give you three marks in total, considering your clear understanding of the text (meaning/context/audience). You also displayed a ‘clear’ reference to the characteristic features shown.
The context of your letter included all things necessary like the date, ‘Dear Mr. President’ along with, ‘Sinercrly…’ Those are all key factors when writing a letter and you met every one of them.
Your letter shows a clear understanding of the news report given and contains a lot of information from it. I enjoyed how you took a different approach and made the audience feel like you we really at Notre Dame during the fire; “I still remember that horrific day. Just minutes after it started I saw the broadcast pop up and watched the cathedral fall to pieces.”
(a) For AO2, I would give you four marks considering your effective expression and relevant context. You also had little to no grammatical errors, so your letter was extremely easy to follow.
(b) For AO1, I would give you three marks considering your comparative understanding (meaning/context/audience). You stayed on track throughout your writing and displayed a ‘clear’ reference to characteristics features.
(b) For AO3, I would give you two marks considering your somewhat ‘minimal’ analysis of form, structure, and language. Throughout part B you made sure to address these elements that were contained in your letter but failed to include information about the news report itself.
When comparing and contrasting always make sure to focus on both writing pieces at hand rather than just one.
Overall good job :)